With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, many couples are finding new ways to be adventurous, romantic, and safe during the coronavirus pandemic (via People). But what do you do if you’re just not into it? Our first suggestion is to take a deep breath — ‘mismatched sexual drives,’ or when one person wants more sex than the other as explained by the Henry Ford Health System, is a common and solvable problem.
“Mismatched libidos, also known as desire discrepancy, is a common challenge that many couples face,” Kevin Singh, a relationship and sex therapist at Relationship and Sex Therapy Solutions in Toronto tells healthing.ca. “Beyond satisfaction and connection, it is important to positively affect a dynamic like this because it can leave a person feeling pressured, deprived, or rejected.”
According to a survey conducted by Superdrug Online Doctor that included 514 Americans and 530 Britons, all of whom were in relationships, 72.2 percent of respondents said that they’ve experienced a mismatched libido with their partner at one time or another in their relationship. In addition, when asked how long they’ve gone without having sex with their partner, the average response was 2.4 months.
Tips for working through mismatched libidos in a relationship
The honeymoon phase is unlikely to last forever, but that doesn’t mean you and your partner have an unhealthy sex life or relationship. In fact, sexual desire is often influenced by outside factors such as stress or “a sign of an underlying medical problem” (via the National Health Service).
“The most important thing to know is that it doesn’t mean there’s a problem with either person in the relationship,” Jamila Dawson, a Los Angeles-based sex therapist tells Sexual Being. “Rather, it’s a more general imbalance that can be improved through experimentation, collaboration, and working together.”
According to Superdrug Online Doctor, 44 percent of respondents reported that having an open conversation with their partner about their wants and needs helped them work through this common issue. Other top solutions included having sex even when not in the mood (39.8 percent), focusing on non-penetrative sexual acts (33 percent), masturbating separately (28.9 percent), and scheduling more frequent date nights (25.2 percent).
In the end, there is no one winning solution. What works for others might not work for you and your partner. However, through trial and error, the two of you should be able to find a happy medium that you’re both comfortable with. “Focusing on the things that have been successful, then trying to translate them into the current situation can really help,” adds Dawson. “Put your positive experiences to work for you.”
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